Our Meeting is so very, very small. We have only one other family, so there is no childcare. We are the childcare. Fortunately, the seminary that allows us space for worship has also generously allowed us to use their childcare room, which is basically an efficiency apartment with toys--- perfect for our current needs.
Up until now, we haven't brought the children into worship much. Partly, we've been worried about disturbing the other worshipers (we have had no clue how much wiggling was too much wiggling, and the small group is aware of the the slightest noises), partly I felt that silent worship was too close to meditation and something that Enki Education recommends avoiding until children are at least twelve, and partly it was because it seemed like such a fight to get the kids to be settled enough to even try. They were very resistant (with the exception of Dunagan on occasion).
But the other members of our Meeting have expressed, repeatedly, that they would like to have the children in worship, though they also had a line on what would be too much wiggling. We sat with this issue for a long time, and after many centered and prayerful discussions and much open and honest sharing of individual needs and the desire for our Meeting to be Spirit-led, we reached a better understanding. We also came up with ways to deal with a Meeting that just isn't working, regardless of age, and ways that the children could be included.
We teased out the subtlety of joyful, connected noises versus disruptive noises from children who are feeling disconnected. The happy, babbling baby or wiggling of a generally contented child are fine, but the noises that are stemming from a child who no longer wants to be in worship and is feeling neglected are our sign to take them out. I found this understanding to be so deep. It's not the quantity of the noise that is disruptive, but the quality. When is the noise a noise of community and connection in the Spirit, and when is it a noise of distress, frustration and disconnection from the community?
I came away from the discussions much clearer on what we are all seeking in Meeting, and not just a guideline on when children can stay in worship.
So, this last First Day, we had all three kids in worship with us from the very beginning. We had prepared them for the change during the car ride, and they were silent and still and content for about eleven minutes in, until Dunagan, who was sitting on my lap, turned and whispered that he was ready to go. So we went. With regards to Enki philosophy, I don't think I'm trying to get my kids to meditate, so I don't feel like I am choosing between the two. Waiting worship and mindfulness meditation are two different things. I do want the children to see us modeling our form of worship and to feel a part of our community. And it felt so good and so right to all be there as a family, even for just those ten minutes.
When it was nearing 11am, we headed back to the Meeting. We joined the circle, which had already risen. All but one of the visitors left, and then we sang "This Little Light of Mine" and read Because Nothing Looks Like God by Lawrence Kushner. Then we moved into a little worship sharing stemming from the book, which led into general chatting and invitations to lunch.
Overall, I am very pleased with our new efforts to include the children in worship. I see a future place for using Quaker Faith and Play Stories intergenerational-y, which is exciting. I am sure there will be bumps, and that it will be an ongoing matter to be discussed amongst Friends, but I think we are headed in the right direction.
Our Blog About the Practical Side
About Me
- Jennifer (Holey) Marchman
- Quaker family and Enki homeschooling mom to two boys and a girl.
Subscribe Tree of Life Musings
Posts
Comments
Followers
17 comments:
I think you are blessed with your meeting. Even my big kids find worshipping in silence hard & it is one reason I think so many Quakers have lost their children to other denominations while I escaped out of other denominations into the silence! lol For me silence is such a blessing but my musical one in particular does not see it that way. The call of God on their lives is different to mine but I think they miss so much in not being able to sit at God's feet in perfect silence.
Yes, I wonder what my children's call will be. Will they grow up to be Friends? I hope so, but I know that I would have found Quakerism very boring when I was a child. I'm hoping that I can make transparent some of the most inward parts of being a Friend.
It sounds like it went really well! How exciting! Alex
My children are home educated and full of energy both creative and unorthodox. My inclusion in my parents' spiritual lives was so important to me as a child. I wanted my own children to learn the discipline of being still in one's person and in one's soul. At first I thought they were "too wild" to sit for an extended period of time but they have surprised me. I wrote about the process in this post.
I think one of the things that is also important for children in worship is that they feel comfortable how they are sitting. Sitting upright in a chair is not the best position for some people, and if it's an adult sized chair, that's even worse for most children. We have had better luck with sitting on the floor with pillows or bringing child sized chairs into the room. We also have taken time now and then to discuss how posture affects our experience of worship, and to experiment with folded hands, or other things that you can do, rather than focus only on what you can't do.
I think it also matters how nervous the parent is. A child who is nestled in a relaxed and worshipful parent's lap is much more likely to enjoy worship than if the parent is worried and tense from the very beginning about what other people are going to think.
Meditation may have to wait, but silent observation starts at birth and can be cultivated even in very young children. I think this works best when we practice it in other settings as well as in worship - on walks outside, watching birds or a sunset or biscuits rising in the oven. These all use the same physical and mental muscles that will be useful when a child is ready for scheduled spiritual experiences, which may come earlier than we think.
I wanted to second Robin's observations about posture and comfort for children (and grown-ups too). My mother, a minister's wife, always had cheerios, crayons, and other quiet activities for us when we were very small and as we grew, she always made it clear she was happy to be sitting with us. Has anyone seen those church dolls made out of handkerchiefs and ribbon? There are old-fashioned toys and books that people have long used to entertain and comfort young ones during worship services.
Thanks, Hystery and Robin M. It's nice to hear from you and I value the thought you shared with me.
What a great topic Jennifer. Some times I just prefer that my daughters are in Meeting with me--so that they will understand and experience it and they are getting older. Our meeting is so welcoming with their First Day School that at times it is difficult to say no thankyou. They do enjoy that also, so they normally go, but I guess I just like to see all ages together some times as well. I really think you are sensitive and so intuned with your children and their needs. Good job!
I also second what Robin M has said that a lot has to do with the mother's state of being. The less nervous and comfortable about it you are, the more "normal" and natural I think the children will feel present. I say this, as when my son was young (he is 18 now!) he was a big handful and I really allowed him to make me a wreck at times, which his personality would enjoy and then continue on in a cycle between us.
Jennifer, it is good to have such clear communication as you're including your children in meeting.
I've also had a struggle in my mind about my (homeschooled) children and meeting. When we first started attending our meeting some years ago, we took the kids to meeting with us. They were 5, 2 and newborn at the time. As time has gone on, they have mostly gone to First Day School, which is held at the same time as meeting for worship. Our situation is kind of the opposite, Jennifer, in that our meeting is a relatively large one, with much more of a precedent about children in worship. The standard comment I hear is that worship is too hard for litle ones. I think at this point the kids would be welcome, but not expected.
While First Day School is enjoyable and worthwhile for them, I worry that they are having very little experience of worship.
Hystery, I also have a sense of importance of being included, as my parents always took us into the worship service as babies, young children, and older children. It was important to me.
I haven't found a sense of clarity about what to do, but I know it will involve having my children in meeting more than they are now.
At home worship or devotions, besides prayers before meals, weren't a feature of my childhood. They feel slightly...hmm, uncomfortable to me, but I am doing more exploration into bringing more worship home as well. Do any of you have experience with family prayer or family worship? I have read Mary Kay Rehard's Pendle Hill pamphlet, but that's about as far as I've gotten...
Hi Jan Lyn! Yes, I agree with you and Robin M that the parent's state of nervousness or contentment definitely is contagious to the child and becomes a cycle.
And nice to hear from you, just hannah p! Do you have a blog? We aren't doing family home worship at the moment. In more settled time, I try to snatch the first 20 minutes of quiet time after lunch for personal worship time. I've been out of that practice though for awhile and am looking forward to getting back to it. I would also like to start some family worship time, since we've had success in the Meeting. I wonder what time of day would be best? Maybe after lunch where mine already is?
We do some "at home devotions" although not always at home. I have an old battered devotional book I sometimes use with the family. We have meditated together and we practice at "meeting." When we visit Genesee Country Village (a living museum made of an entire village of restored nineteenth century buildings) we enter the old meetinghouse in silence and sit together as though in silent worship. I was surprised at how easily the children settled into prolonged silence even in the midst of our vacation fun.
Thanks so much for this post. It resonates for me on so many levels. I grew up in the meeting I'm now a member of, so I feel like I have a double perspective. I know what my kids feel when they just. can't. sit. And I've also seen them settle in easily and gratefully to the worship setting. As always, it's an awful lot about preparation for everyone, and some weeks we do better than others.
Thanks again!
Mia
Hi Mia! It's good to hear from you. I wish I had your childhood experience to draw from. I often feel like our Meeting is having to re-invent the wheel since we have no older children to look up to. In some ways, it is a blessing: we get to set the precedent for the Meeting, but in other ways, I feel so blind. But the more we have been open to the leadings of the Spirit, the more we have come together as a whole and finding ways to include the children.
One of the ways we included "family worship" in our childrens' expeience was to read to them when they were young, and have them read as they grew older, from Bible stories and other stories that we shared. We were very privileged to be Friends Educators for much of the time we were raising children so that they attended Friends Schools, but we always added our own family "touch."
Our experience with "teaching" other children, almost all non-Friends, about using Friends worship periods and about Friends values, etc. was an extension of what we tried to do. I always believed that the children we taught should be dealt with the same way you would want your own child to be dealt with and so it is hard at times to separate the two into separate categories.
We just went to a "Family Sabbath Meeting"...it was Friday night, with challah loaves afterwards, hence the sabbath designation.... We sat in a circle, with the children playing in the center of all of us, on the floor, on pillows. There were some crayons and paper, and little quiet toys. Once they started getting a little talkative, I moved to take them out, and was immediately waved back to my seat to keep them in worship. People shared in a way that the children would understand...and it was only 30 minutes long. This happens once a month, and we are going to make it a regular thing. It was so nice to be in worship, knowing that the noises were expected, and that that particular MFW would be held in a way that included the children. I would love to see more Meetings do a little monthly thing like this...a meeting for families, and those who want to worship alongside noisy children being children.
Otherwise, I am with you, the moment they begin to disintegrate, they're outta there!
This is a wonderful post. When our meeting started meeting again after a long fallow period, my then two-year-old was the only child and there were some issues about her being there - basically the clerk didn't like it but the other attenders did - we worked it out. Now we have lovely resources for First Day School and the kids would rather be there so we try to do the leaving after some beginning worship and coming back at the end thing.
Thank you for this post, and thank you to all who have added comments. Have any of you read/used Tuning In: Mindfulness in Teaching and Learning? Some of the essays it contains are specifically geared toward Friends schools but it looks like others are more general. I haven't got my hands on a copy yet, so if others have, and have thoughts about its usefulness, I would be interested to hear.
Kathleen K.
Post a Comment