Dunagan, our three year old, threw a temper tantrum last First Day because he didn't get to join Daddy in worship. The children and I were in the childcare area with other f/Friends, and Dunagan had been telling me that he wanted to go be with Daddy 'before they were through'. I didn't really catch on to what he was saying. I just thought he was ready to be back together as a family. We were in the middle of picking up the room when Evan texted me that they were done with worship. I said, "Ok, guys, let's finish cleaning up and head over." Dunagan crumpled in tears and toddler inertia.
Somewhere between balancing a chunky three month old on one hip and a screaming, kicking child on the other hip as I tried to cross the 100 degree Fahrenheit pavement to the Episcopal Seminary chapel, our 'Meetinghouse', I realized that he didn't just want to be with Daddy--- he wanted to worship. I stood outside imploring him to calm down so that we could go inside. He couldn't calm down, he said. A Friend came out and said, "Dunagan, we're not through with worship. Would you like to join us?" Even at this point, his answer of 'yes' surprised me.
He calmed down to just sniffles, wiped his face on my pants, and we entered the silence. I stayed in the back room with Ayla who was still fussy and tired, but Dunagan walked purposefully to the circle of chairs deep in the sanctuary and climbed into Daddy's lap. Friends continued worshiping for another five minutes or more with Dunagan deeply content.
This episode is not without precedent. Months ago, he asked to go with Daddy rather than go to the park with us, and he stayed quietly in worship for more than twenty minutes. We were fine with that since it came from within him rather than imposed by us, but that episode did not prepare me for the strong desire he had to join the group this past week.
I would love to know what is going on in his little mind and heart. Is he finding God with the adults? Is he just enjoying the peace of sitting with Daddy? Will he want to worship this coming First Day? If he does, we'll certainly let him. Kirven has no desire to participate; though he, as well as Dunagan, is seeming to really connect with our contemplative nature walks before Friends begin to gather. Does Dunagan need more? I obviously need to be more sensitive and responsive to his requests to join in worship. One Friend who has a lot of experience with children and worship has suggested that we have a children's worship time where they join us, and the adults embrace whatever energy the children bring. I value her experience and am willing to experiment. I would not want it to become a situation where the children are actually being neglected as the adults worship (and she has voiced the same concern), but if there is a desire there, we should meet it. Should it be regular? Or just occasionally as one of the children expresses interest? How to approach this with appropriate sensitivity? Something to seek Guidance about, certainly...
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Worship is not just an adult thing. A child may feel definitely called to worship. Historically, adults and children were not separated during worship. That's a phenomenon of the last couple of centuries.
As a child, I was a "bad boy" for escaping First Day School and coming back into worship. That's what I wanted to do. The meeting was somewhat hostile to that, but my parents were supportive.
Some children don't relate well to spending the worship time with the adults, but others very much want to. We should not be so ready to just pack children off to age-segregated activities.
I used to go to a charismatic church where one of the pastors had nine children. Most of them would go off to Sunday School, but one quite young boy would stay in worship. And not infrequently he would share a World from the Lord.
For a time, that church had an unprogrammed (not usually a lot of silence, but not pre-planned) time of worship on Friday evenings for a couple of hours. There were a couple of children who were regulars at that, and they ministered fairly frequently. One of the things I liked about the church is that they didn't think it strange that some children would be called to participate in that way.
At one meeting I used to attend, there was a hyperactive young boy. Like I did when I was young, he would escape First Day School a few minutes after going, and come sit beside his mother. He was not restless. He would sit silently and attentively. He needed to worship.
Hi Bill.
Yes, my eyes are certainly being opened. I knew in theory that children could have this kind of need at this young of an age; I just never thought it would be *my* child, or especially *this* child. He's a whirling dervish 99% of the time. I think the important thing is that this urge is coming from within him, and not from our own expectations of him. While I still feel that God meets the vast majority of children in other moments, I won't be blind to God meeting children in silent worship any more, that's for sure.
Our meeting has no children's program at all so our strategy is that my kids (aged 11,9,and 3) sit with us until they exhibit through body language (wiggling, etc.) that they are ready to leave. At this point, I give their hands a squeeze and we leave the meeting and go out where we can run, talk, laugh, etc. Then we rejoin later. On some days, we don't last more than five minutes into the silence. Other days, we can go almost the full length of the hour (which I still find amazing since my children are very active, loud people!) I find I like this better than the standard 15 minutes in worship then out to First Day School.
I feel that the discipline of sitting silently helps them learn how to just be. I described in my most recent blog entry a conversation my children and I had about what is going on in our meeting. What are those grown-ups trying to hear in that silence? I was amazed at their insight. On the other hand, the other day at home when I asked my three year old to be still, he challenged me, "This isn't Meeting!"
Hi Hystery,
It's nice to hear from you again! So, you have a three year old, too. :) Yes, I'm wanting to avoid some kind of scheduled: Now Is The Time When Children Come In. I want it to be natural, like it sounds like you are doing. As I said in my original post, I'm open to experimenting. I am anxious about putting a bad taste in their mouth for silent worship because we push too hard and/or they want to please, but at the same time, I don't want to overlook an openness on their part for silent worship, which I had been doing. I'm sure I'm projecting way too much of my own childhood experiences (of boredom) onto my children. I mainly don't want to lose sight of the purpose of worship: communing with God; and I want to facilitate that communion for my children in whatever form it takes. For my oldest and Dunagan, there does seem to be a deep need met when they really sink into an activity physically or with their hands or are out in nature, but it seems that Dunagan has a need that can (needs to?) be met in silent worship as well.
When my oldest girl was about 18 months old she threw a massive temper tantrum at bedime one night. She cried inconsolably. I went through mama's check list: too hot, too cold, wet, dirty, hungry, thirsty etc. Nothing. In desperation I prayed with her. Bingo! Her tears immediately dried up. She had heard me pray with every other child before bed but thinking her too young & being tired myself I had missed her out. She too needed & wanted to be prayed with. I never forgot again.
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